Well, it’s nearly been a week since Donald Trump became President Elect Trump. You might say how, America? Why, America? But here in the UK we’re only faring slightly better. Here’s my Mean Girls canteen seating plan.
First of all you’ve got the Etonians that chose whether or not we would remain in the EU based on their hopes for political advancement (bad luck Boris, not PM just quite yet). Sometimes they make racist comments about their opponents, but have such a good reputation that when they step down as MP forcing a by-election, their old mates don’t want to put a candidate against them (ah Zac, you know how to play the game). The Tories’ Queen Bee is Theresa May, a calculating figure who is hard to form an opinion on. So far it’s leaning towards negative, possibly because she will disclose fuck all about what’s going on with Brexit. At least leaked government documents reassure us you have no idea what you’re doing.
Then, in the red corner we’ve got a Labour party so torn by divisions that they prove no fit opposition to the government; perhaps accountability is a word of the past. Good old Jezza the pacifist likes to have a moral conscience, but peace and governance certainly aren’t synonyms. When he’s not being bullied for looking like your old geography teacher, Jeremy speaks some sense. But far from our liberator, swooping down like an eagle to save Britain from the mess that is politics right now, he’s rather mediocre. He can’t even keep control of his clique, let alone the whole cafeteria.
In the far corner there’s the burn-outs, also known as the Lib-Dems (sorry, who is Tim Farron?). They were once the ‘populars’ but like the Burn Book broke the trust of the public (yay for tuition fees) and now have the mammoth task of being seen as politically credible again, and that’s before they get anywhere near 10 Downing Street. Keep on dreaming.
In the depths of hell we find an alcoholic and marginally less popular Regina George (aka Nigel Farage) and the clan known as UKIP. This cult has been left having tantrums over the departure of Nige as Supreme Leader, leaving MEPs to mysteriously collapse without being touched. Nige is now drinking buddies with the newest Satan in town, Donald the Don; give it a month and they’ll be tagging each other in white supremacist memes on Facebook because who needs to be a closet racist when it’s 2016. Thanks Nigel for undermining the whole democratic process where the actual government represents our interests. Boo you whore.
Finally there are parties not even big enough to have an eco-friendly table. In the distance, you may hear the faint whisper of the Green Party, but that is all it is, faint, and carried on the wind of our planet’s dying soul. Ah, so cheerful.
And that is pretty much politics, or rather a scene from Mean Girls, right now.